Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Forget the Oscars! Here are the Academy of Political Pundit Arts and Sciences awards to local, BC and federal politicians!

Bill Tieleman’s 24 Hours Column

Tuesday February 24, 2009

And the award goes to ...


The Academy Awards are obscene, dirty ... no better than a beauty contest.

- Dustin Hoffman

Welcome to the Academy of Political Pundit Arts and Sciences award ceremonies!

The Oscars were Sunday night but the achievements of local, B.C. and federal politicians are being awarded right here and now!

Our first category: The Best Unbelievably Out Of Touch Performance By A Provincial Politician.

The envelope please ... and the winner is: WALL-Y - the story of an animated B.C. Attorney-General Wally Oppal who fails miserably to deal with crimes committed by an overwhelming amount of human garbage on the streets of Metro Vancouver.

Our next category: The Best Urban Disaster Movie.

And the winner is: Milked, about how anout-of-control civic politician - played by former Non-Partisan Association Vancouver Mayor Sam Sullivan - takes taxpayers to the cleaners by having city council secretly finance an out-of-cash developer building the Olympic Village.

Don't miss the big- budget blockbuster sequel - titled Olympic Village of the Damned - starring Vision Vancouver Mayor Gregor Robertson and a cast of millions - opening for two weeks in February 2010!

Speaking of the Olympics, our next category is Best Totally Underestimated Expense Claim.

The winner - Slumdog Billionaire, starring Colin Hansen as the B.C. Finance Minister who inexplicably budgets only $175 million for Olympic Winter Games security costs - and then acts completely shocked when the real total turns about to be $1 billion! An unbelievable performance!

Moving along, our next category is Best Non- Supporting Actor In A Crime Drama.

And the winner is The Slow Reader, with an absolutely unconvincing performance by Solicitor General John van Dongen as the politician who is supposed to be B.C.'s top cop during a gang war with thugs shooting up shopping malls in broad daylight.

Van Dongen won with monotone speeches about getting tough on crime, without actually taking any action.

Next up: The Best Unelected Government We Never Had award.

And the winner is ... Revolutionary Road, about a radical attempt to take over the government of Canada without actually winning an election!

It stars former federal Liberal leader Stephane Dion in his last public role, with New Democratic Party leader Jack Layton in a supporting role and Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe in an uncredited cameo appearance.
And our last category - Best Taxpayer Fantasy Story.

The winner is ... Debt - with Kevin Falcon starring as the B.C. transportation minister whose new Port Mann bridge project doubles in price to $3 billion in just eight months - without a single shovel touching the ground! Amazing!

Falcon's sequel, For Whom the Bridge Tolls, has a special admission price of $3 to get in - and $3 to get out as well!

And that's our show - good night!



Anonymous said...

Hysterically funny...how come you get all the "easy" assignments? Dean always liked you better....


Anonymous said...

Clever, but, the whole jumping up and down on Sam Sullivan is getting ridiculous now. Why aren't you as outraged about Vision changing the Vancouver Charter without public inquiry, and deciding to become the Lender to Millennium as well? Your partisan slip is showing...a lot.

Gary E said...

Great one Bill
Funny how some people can get upset about knocking Sammy and not Gregor.
So I wonder what they have to say about the Liberals bringing up the 90's when they don't have a valid comeback for their screwups.

Anonymous said...

Yeah.... as much as I enjoyed this article, and as much as I am glad to see Sam Sullivan gone,we really can't let Larry Campbell off the hook for the Millenium mess.

Anonymous said...

And now, the worst supporting actor award - Kevin Falcon for the RAV Role Models, which didn't make to the 'Raspberries' Even Paris Hilton would not touch that one!

Worst supporting actress award - Carole James for the 'Unknown Leader', so bad that it will be locked away in a vault and forgotten after May 2009!

Anonymous said...

HEY! You forgot the best performance by THE INVISIBLE MAN. Gordon Campbell. Now you see him (Photo op hog) now you don't (BC Leg.)

Anonymous said...

PS Anon 10:40 wouldn't happen to be Susan would it?

Anonymous said...

Campbell brought in Bill 42 and it's almost word for word for Bill 39 coming out of Russia
Don't forget your ABC's Anybody But Campbell

Anonymous said...

ANON 1040 am

Wakey wakey

Can`t you see what went on with Millennium deal,Ken Dobell was getting weekly reports about the progress or lack there of on the Olympic village,Dobell informed Gordon Campbell and Ladner and Sullivan what was going on.

If Ladner had come forward months earlier saying the village is in trouble we need to borrow 800 million dollars/assume risk/take over the project and lets have a referendum on borrowing money,LOL

The vote,the referendum would of voted against the borrowing authority.
That is why is was swept under the carpet until after the election,then the politicians use "time concerns" to circumvent the charter.

The Millennium fiasco is the NPAs baby and Gordon Campbell,because.......

If it would of went to a referendum vote and Vancouverites said NO guess whose lap the Olympic/Millennium fiasco would of fallen into,

Thats right, The Province,it would of become Gordon Campbells mess!

But you Campbellites/NPAers just can`t bring yourself to admit you were conned by your leaders,have you got the picture ANON 1040 AM

Anonymous said...

Sam certainly deserves an award for the Olympic Village fiasco, but I'm outraged at the previous council who thought the Olympic Village should be built on prime waterfront land. Athletes and coaches don't need luxury condos or a million dollar view.

What a lost opportunity to build some truly affordable housing! The village should have been put on the still vacant Great Northern rail yard south of Prior Street. Higher density and fewer granite counter tops would've dramatically lowered construction costs. It's so sensible that no politician or bureaucrat could ever have thought of it.

Anonymous said...

I loved the Reaside cartoon about Gordo and the oscar for best actor. Since its copywritten if interested go find it on his site.

Wally was doing the usual in the ledg. today. Krog was letting him know the opposition was asking for a bunch of files and the judge is to rule tommorrow. In front of the court etc.

Anonymous said...

Really funny alright, if only it weren't so sad for the public, who will pay and pay. Nice going Bill.

Anonymous said...

I listened to Van Dongen's firebrand speech.

Fortunately, I wasn't driving a car or operating heavy equipment at the time......

NRF said...

We also need a "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" award for every politician watching the news or listening to the Dziekanski hearings. Gentlemen and ladies, it's time to get angry. Our policing and court system is broken and all we hear is noise. Sure, replace the AG. Just don't expect a single change to make a difference.

In the face of contradictory video evidence, the unprincipled RCMP redraws the truth and shows that CYA is more important than justice. How many innocent people sit in prison because of similarly dishonest testimony before nodding magistrates?

The AG goes to Ottawa to discuss the crime issues while the PM flies to Vancouver to talk about crime. We should demand more action not more photo ops.

The feds spent billions on gun control but somehow didn't create legal resources to prosecute people found with unregistered automatic weapons in their cars?

Our justice industry is immense in size and cost but responsibility for it is distributed widely through three levels of government and countless agencies, many with little oversight or accountability.

Bill, by carefully following the Basi/Virk affair, you demonstrated one area of breakdown in the legal system. Now, widen your view and you will find even more scandals.

Anonymous said...

This is all very interesting, Bill, but what we all really want to know is...what were you wearing when you watched the Oscars?

Anonymous said...

Re illegal weapons. Four camouflaged thugs with automatic rifles were 'busted' in a strip mall at 49th and Knight across from a school. They were possibly after Bindy Johal. Cops got the guns and let the occupants go. PROOF? A little while later 'someone' murdered an innocent neighbour. If those guys had gone to jail would he still be alive? And the gun killings continue aided by Parliament and the broken court system on matters of this kind. Victoria's response is bluster and heads in the sand.

Bill Tieleman said...

In answer to Eleanor Gregory's question about what I was wearing to watch the Oscars, the answer is Dolce & Gabbana!

Anonymous said...


Don`t forget to wear your PINK underwear for anti-bully day

I hear gordoh,according to the bird man,will be wearing a PINK THONG!

I guess I will have to pull out the CADDY

Congratulaions Bill

I knew the NDP would win,these latest polls(internal and others)speak volumes.

Life springs eternal

Anonymous said...

What can I say, Bill. You are just too cool for me. And Alex T. is cooler than any of us.

I watched the acceptance speech for the supporting actress and the promo leading up to that and felt like I'd overdosed on tabloids at the checkout counter, and watched no more.

And for the record, I was wearing blue jeans...from Talbots!

Anonymous said...

Eleanor get's it...

I'm so cool my sperm smoke Marlboros and shoot Padron...

Just ask...oh, nevermind...

Anonymous said...

Should anyone be wondering , for the record,Im wearing Hanes, from Value Village.

Anonymous said...

True journalism.
Don't let them sweep it under the red carpet!!!

Anonymous said...


When listing the awards, you forgot the one for best ongoing serial. That would be From Here to Eternity, starring Basi, Basi and Virk and their lawyers.