Tuesday February 24, 2009
And the award goes to ...
By BILL TIELEMAN
The Academy Awards are obscene, dirty ... no better than a beauty contest.
- Dustin Hoffman
Welcome to the Academy of Political Pundit Arts and Sciences award ceremonies!
The Oscars were Sunday night but the achievements of local, B.C. and federal politicians are being awarded right here and now!
Our first category: The Best Unbelievably Out Of Touch Performance By A Provincial Politician.
The envelope please ... and the winner is: WALL-Y - the story of an animated B.C. Attorney-General Wally Oppal who fails miserably to deal with crimes committed by an overwhelming amount of human garbage on the streets of Metro Vancouver.
Our next category: The Best Urban Disaster Movie.
And the winner is: Milked, about how anout-of-control civic politician - played by former Non-Partisan Association Vancouver Mayor Sam Sullivan - takes taxpayers to the cleaners by having city council secretly finance an out-of-cash developer building the Olympic Village.
Don't miss the big- budget blockbuster sequel - titled Olympic Village of the Damned - starring Vision Vancouver Mayor Gregor Robertson and a cast of millions - opening for two weeks in February 2010!
Speaking of the Olympics, our next category is Best Totally Underestimated Expense Claim.
The winner - Slumdog Billionaire, starring Colin Hansen as the B.C. Finance Minister who inexplicably budgets only $175 million for Olympic Winter Games security costs - and then acts completely shocked when the real total turns about to be $1 billion! An unbelievable performance!
Moving along, our next category is Best Non- Supporting Actor In A Crime Drama.
And the winner is The Slow Reader, with an absolutely unconvincing performance by Solicitor General John van Dongen as the politician who is supposed to be B.C.'s top cop during a gang war with thugs shooting up shopping malls in broad daylight.
Van Dongen won with monotone speeches about getting tough on crime, without actually taking any action.
Next up: The Best Unelected Government We Never Had award.
And the winner is ... Revolutionary Road, about a radical attempt to take over the government of Canada without actually winning an election!
It stars former federal Liberal leader Stephane Dion in his last public role, with New Democratic Party leader Jack Layton in a supporting role and Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe in an uncredited cameo appearance.
And our last category - Best Taxpayer Fantasy Story.
The winner is ... Debt - with Kevin Falcon starring as the B.C. transportation minister whose new Port Mann bridge project doubles in price to $3 billion in just eight months - without a single shovel touching the ground! Amazing!
Falcon's sequel, For Whom the Bridge Tolls, has a special admission price of $3 to get in - and $3 to get out as well!
And that's our show - good night!