Tuesday February 27, 2007
Have a heart, Gord
By BILL TIELEMAN
Politics is largely a matter of heart.
In the past year Campbell has literally had his heart changed - the premier has received a heart transplant - and from a deceased New Democratic Party activist!
B.C. Liberal Party insiders have confirmed the closely guarded secret - Campbell's recent dramatic move from hard right to political left is the result of his receiving the heart of a young woman who had been heavily involved in the NDP and social justice issues.
The stunning news explains moves by Campbell that have confounded political pundits and even his cabinet colleagues.
"Campbell's been wackier than Britney Spears on crack," exclaimed one cabinet minister speaking on condition of anonymity. "I half expect him to show up at the Legislature with his head shaved and Paris Hilton on his arm!
"First he sucked up to the aboriginals and then the bloody environmentalists," the shaken minister said. "But when he jacked up welfare rates I knew it just wasn't the same premier who slashed and burned government for years - something was deeply wrong with Gordon."
The premier's behaviour mystified other supporters. Phil Hochstein, president of the Independent Contractors and Businesses Association, which has donated over $250,000 to the B.C. Liberals, described the recent B.C. budget as coming from a "left-wing government".
Doctors who performed the emergency surgery sometime last year warned that the new left-wing heart might cause side- effects but they were overwhelmed when Campbell began reading Karl Marx's Das Capital while recovering in hospital.
"You know, some of this stuff about the bourgeoisie and workers seizing the means of production really makes sense to me," Campbell reportedly told worried surgeons.
In a desperate medical effort to reverse the effects of the left-wing heart transplant, a group of right-wing politicians donated blood to Campbell.
Former Alberta Premier Ralph Klein volunteered immediately but his blood had to be politely rejected when tests showed Klein still had a disturbingly high residual level of alcohol months after he quit drinking.
Fortunately, Prime Minister Stephen Harper, former Reform Party leader Preston Manning and Campbell's brother Michael all donated blood to temporarily right the left-leaning premier.
And the B.C. Liberal cabinet minister still believes Campbell can completely recover.
"Now that I know what's happened I only hope Gordon can be re-transplanted with a new right-wing heart - otherwise, his premiership is over," he said. "Unless Campbell wants to keep his new heart, switch parties and replace Carole James."